i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The ass gains better be worth it
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