if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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