how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
