well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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