Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
