Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
