4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The air was thick with penises
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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