btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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