Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Welp...herpes.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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