Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
ugly people sure do ruin things
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
