"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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