if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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