Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
