Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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