Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
