Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
