census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
