i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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