my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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