so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
