Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
