No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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