did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
