Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we made out on top of his cat.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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