Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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