Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
