I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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