Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
