Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize