there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
