You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
