well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize