i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
