Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
