Soap is not a condiment
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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