How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
