I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
