How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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