i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
