It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
