She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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