I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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