i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
