I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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