The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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