6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
