oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
