First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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