yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
