there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
