Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
