Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My vagina is officially offended.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
