There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
