Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize