Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
