you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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