Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
