Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
