Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
