Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
