i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
