I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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